My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
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“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging