BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
You Might Also Like
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud