i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Yup!
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My favorite farside!!
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry