… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
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At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.