I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
![]()
You Might Also Like
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.