I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
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wait.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
All food is good if you spell it wrong
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it