I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane