I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.