John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
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I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
The big book of baby names but for safe words
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My dog learned how to text
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Put this video in the Louvre
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job