My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
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[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Batman v Dracula
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”