My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.