hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU