@justinshanes

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

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@dmedelstein

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

@_Tempo11

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

@PostCultRev

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

@GrowlyGrego

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

@WittyHendrix

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

@danadonnelly

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

@PerfectPending

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

@DaddyJew

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

@Fred_Delicious

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler