10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
calling a guy “my ex”
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend
calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-but makes me look pathetic
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler