‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
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[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
fourth time’s the charm
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?