On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.