If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Can. I. Help. You.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*