“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
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Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me when my alarm goes off
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.