My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady