Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

still the best tweet of the year by far

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

They also CAN sing✌️