nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs