nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
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There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.