nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Officer: have you been drinking?
Officer: You can’t just keep..
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
still the best tweet of the year by far
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
ME: k see u tonight
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
They also CAN sing✌️