Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.