[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
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*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?