Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.