Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
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[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My favorite female superhero
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
i wish all
whales
a very
big
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.