Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.