ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That鈥檚 so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it鈥檚 not 38.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I can also cook 馃槀
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I鈥檝e just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn鈥檛 be bothered.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Google search history:
鈥loves keep growing on tree?
鈥ow do I get hand in tight gloves?
鈥an gloves piss/bite?
鈥hat is a squirrel?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schr枚dinger: yes and no