“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
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Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
you gotta be faster
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.