You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Wanna get rich?
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