Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
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why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.