If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
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Optional boss fight.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Bloody internet 😳
This has made my week.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.