Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”![]()
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive![]()
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My dad.
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I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
want me to check your oil?
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.