Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.