i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Terribly Tuesday.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.