A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
this is me
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.