[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”