A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
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The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
work smarter, not harder
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.