My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
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You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I want what they have
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Happens to everyone.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.