doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.