Who does Amazon think I am?
You Might Also Like
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.