[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
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[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
it’s the silliest best thing
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Super Hand Dog Face
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?