Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
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Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.