I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
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Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
More like Kate Missington.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
#FunnyLife Insects
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.