#FunnyLife Insects
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?