Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
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Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
This forever.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.