@decentbirthday

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

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@heyitsJudeD

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

@slimmy_shady

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

@KevinLSchwartz

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

@spaceboyriley

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

@slimmy_shady

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

@fro_vo

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

@PinkCamoTO

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.