[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

You Might Also Like


Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?


I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.


2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.


*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what


Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.


ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot


WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?


I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.