[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
You Might Also Like
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.