Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
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i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”