Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I am yelling
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”