She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
When I laugh on my period
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“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns