i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Wait for it
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance