The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
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I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass