Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.