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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
This is the one
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?