The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
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Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
bears
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*