I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
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“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours