I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot


Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.


Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?


I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!


Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.


I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.


i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either


Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.


My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.