I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
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My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.